Leave Me Alone!!!

You went out with this girl and you had a great time. The conversations were flowing and there were laughters all round. You find yourself really clicking with her, she's funny and not bad in the looks department too.


You start to have a crush on her, so you gathered the courage to ask her out and she reciprocated. You're the happiest person on the planet. There is a sudden surge of joy and delectation.


You did couples stuff together, no, not that kind, the innocent but fun bits like watching a movie and holding hands. She's everything you'd hoped for in a girlfriend. Nothing could possibly go wrong...




...until suddenly....



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You wake up!!


!@#!@$!@$!111123124



That's when the big reality train hits you. You're still you, that relationship was non-existent but sweet Jesus, the crush and the happy memories are still there! Cue the frantic struggle to not slip into full consciousness just yet as you try to force yourself back to sleep. Often it works, but when it doesn't, my, you really do feel like you got dumped in real life.


It happened to me twice in a week and really, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. That "fucking hell, it was all a dream?!" feeling is akin to winning a lottery ticket only to find out that it was all just a sick prank from your family. Search that one up on youtube by the way, funny shit right there.


The trouble is, both of the girls are people I know in real life, no, I am not saying who because quite frankly, if someone dreamt that they were together with me, I'd freak out big time.


So what's the problem? Well, because I had a crush on them in my dreams, it kind of transferred into real life! So yes, I had a mini crush on these two real life girls (and am still having one now, in fact!) because of their actions in my dreams. I was like, fucking get off me!


Okay for the sake of progressing this story, one of them is an ex-girlfriend and one is a pretty close friend. What that means is, for the first few days of last week, I kinda had feelings for my ex all over again and a few days later, had a crush on one of my platonic friends! Where's the straitjacket?!


I can't even look at these two girls the same way anymore because I keep thinking about the stupid dreams! Can you believe how ridiculous this sounds?


Is there such thing as a Dream God because if there is, may his arse be infested by a thousand desert fleas and may his arms grow too short to scratch them!


Right now, I am just trying to wait for the second crush to wear off kinda like how the first one did but God damn it, it was so good while it lasted. Can you imagine how weird this is? Ahh, how I miss the non-existent good old days. Damn, I really loved those imaginary happy times..



Oh dream girl, I hardly knew ye..




P/S: this doesn't count as cheating on my girlfriend as it's not as if I had any real say over this.

How to Ruin Your Jokes..

Jokes are great. Making people laugh always make you feel all warm inside. That is why we always have our pocket jokes handy, ready to spring them on our unsuspecting audience when the opportunity presents itself.


Cue the roar of laughter as you then proceed to perhaps unwisely, milk it for all it's worth, by repeating the joke again and again or elaborate on it. For example:



*First wave of laughter*

"What? It's true. (repeat joke, this time with hand movements)"

*Second wave of weaker laughters spliced with some leftovers from the first wave*

"Hahaha! It was so funny. the (insert punchline of the joke) and all"

*First wave of chuckles*

"Hahaha! (repeat hand movements this time with voiced special effects)"

*First wave of raised eyebrows"

"Yeah, like I was telling her, why didn't (proceed to dissect the joke)?"

*First wave of nodding heads and some smiles*


"And why didn't, (insert interruption by another bored party)"



I am no George Carlin when it comes to jokes and there's nothing I love more than a hearty ha-ha but people tend to ruin something that's funny by exhausting it sometimes. Take your bow and move on, please.


Also, laughter's the best medicine and all that shit, but if I were given a punch in the rib every time I hear someone spring these 99-cent jokes on me, I'd already be lying in a coffin:


"People have 6-packs, he has a 1-pack!"

"Going to Karaoke? Haha, later all the glasses break wan then you know hor"

"Wahh, so horrijiber the accident. Mercedes also become Kancil, you know!"

"Har? She drive ar? Got buy insurance or not?"


All these are normally followed by some self-indulgent laughter, and also a smug grin on said person's face for thinking he/she just pulled out a comic's equivalent of a rabbit from a hat. You will laugh along because it might be a little funny to you, but deep down you know that that joke has been recycled so many times, Al Gore has it in his trophy room.


You know what else is un-funny? Me not knowing how to finish this post under pressure because I have to get off this laptop to watch the United game which starts in 5 minutes and I can't be arsed to continue this later so I am ending this post in an abrupt manner and making this paragraph as long as possible so you would most likely skip this as people's idea of "speed-reading" these days is to ignore lengthy paragraphs that they feel is "difficult" to read thereby wasting all of the author's good work and effort put into it, and I also have to remind myself to stop using "text air-quotes" in my posts as air-quotes are really very lame.



So there.

I Bet "Shite Hair-styles" Came Out Of Pandora's Box As Well..

If I decide to climb a mountain one day in search of a wise sage, I'll remind myself to ask him:

"Does anyone ever feel good after a haircut?!"


And then, he'll scratch his head and stroke his beard, before replying:


"Yes, the salon owner"



I don't get it. I've been through this ordeal over and over again in my short 20 years of life. Each time, I'll step into the salon with a pretty clear idea of how I want my hair done and every time, without fail, I'll come out with something entirely different.


The problem lies, very clearly, with the hairstylist. Duh Sherlock, who else? Yeah, but hear me out.



I've come to notice that hairstylists deal with extremes. There just isn't an in-between. Take for instance, what happened today.




Lady Hairstylist : How would you like the sides? Shall we leave it long?

Me : Hmm, no. I want the ears to be seen but I don't want it too short.

Lady Hairstylist : Okay.




.... and she proceeds to cut it school-boy style!! You know, the one where they cut behind your ears and totally pulverize your sideburns, leaving you looking like an overgrown Form 5 student? Yeah, that one!


Why can't she just cut the damned thing "a little bit"? You know, short but not non-existent!


Another beef I have with these Chinese hairstylists is they just love those Dragonball-styled hair. You know the wild, tousled hair look, with ridiculously long sideburns and hair at the back? Yeah, that one.


I personally prefer the David Beckham-centric, westerners type. Clean at the sides and at the back, and a mohawk-ish spike at the top. The only place I could find that does it like this is, yes, in Nottingham, UK. At Simmy's right along Victoria Road.


I always make it a point to tell them that. But like I said, these guys deal with extremes, so what is the opposite of the Dragonball look? The nerdy schoolboy look, of course!


You know the worst part about the whole haircut process? The walk of shame back to your car. God loves taking the piss. I can never find a space near the salon. I am always forced to take a nice long walk back to the vehicle with a butt ugly look and having everyone stare and laugh uncontrollably inside.


To be honest though, and I know it's hard to believe after a rant like that, I am not too arsed about my hairstyle, really. I am not the type who spends half an hour in the bathroom trying to make sure that one strand of hair is standing at a correct angle. I just can't bear the thought of paying RM36 to look even worse than when i stepped in to the place!


It's quite a vicious cycle if you think about it. After a bad haircut, you pray for the thing to just grow quickly, and then it becomes too long and you have to get it trimmed again. Getting it right the next time is not an option either. It's an iterative process that never hits the spot.


Still, remember this the next time you get pissed off coming out of a salon:


A bad hair day is better than a no hair day.


Gimme Form 5 cuts over comb-overs any day!

Want, Want, Need, Need, Need, Crave, Crave, Got it, Sien... Repeat..

I've been looking at my spending habits of late, and I can't help wondering: Why do I always want something new? Obviously, most of the things that I crave aren't necessities. That word is so over-rated by the way, let's face it, the only things we really "need" is food and air. And an iPhone.


Expanding from this topic: The reason why we want something so desperately is in some way related to our spending power. I know it seems very obvious but think about it, do you want a Ferrari? Hell yeah, you do but it's not eating into your very soul and causing you sleepless nights, now is it?


So deduction #1: The closer the item of fancy is to your spending power, the more you want it.


Also, you can try to deny it but peer pressure is also another reason why you want something. Some kid in school has one, and he looks cool using it. All the other kids start having one, and so you want one. I am sorry it sounds loser-ish but it's the law of nature.


Deduction #2 : Cool kids decide what you should buy



Thirdly, killer products. These are items that are so darn awesome during your time, and coupled with deduction #2 means you'd sell your parents if it means you getting one. (CAUTION: might cause financial loss in the long run).


Deduction #3: Steve Jobs decides what you should buy



Utilizing all of the above deductions, I have a compiled a list of things that we used to want, should want and better be wanting in the future. It is by no means comprehensive, and will most likely not stand the test of time but refer to it so you know what it takes to stay within that "it" group:


EVOLUTION OF "WANTS" FOR MALE:

90's era primary school age group (7-12):

Baby-G/G-shock Digital Watch, any bag on wheels, Tamagotchi, Playstation, Pentium 2 PC,

a dial-up connection, Game Boy, Magic: The Gathering booster packs, Bata shoes, Dragonball

comics.


Lower secondary school age group (13-15):

Swatch analog watch, Bodypac, Digimon 5th Generation, Playstation 2, any computer that

fucking runs Starcraft and Counterstrike, Nokia 3310/8210, Hotlink prepaid, Game Boy Colour,

Magic: The Gathering box set, anything related to Pokemon, Converse shoes, a half-decent

haircut, any school trousers other than Professor, a football jersey, a girlfriend.


Upper secondary school age group (16-17):

Guess watch or anything in that price range, Eastpak/Deuter, still waiting on that Playstation 2,

Pentium 4 with Windows XP built-in, Streamyx, Magic: The Gathering box set(s), Nokia 6610,

Sony Ericsson T610, Maxis Postpaid, football jersey(s), driver's license, Proton, girlfriend(s).


College/ Undergraduate/Early Working Age Group (18-25)

Anything but Proton, Tissot/Tag Heuer, Ralph Lauren/AX shirts, Esprit slingbags, Playstation3,

a fucking laptop, Streamyx 1.0Mbps, a decent set of speakers, a nice LCD screen, Magic: The

Gathering? Really?, iPod, iPhone, football jerseys with the names and sleeve badges on, fuck

buddies.


Married Husband Age Group (25-death)

Not available. Refer to wife.




EVOLUTION OF "WANTS" FOR FEMALE:


90's era primary school age group (7-12):

clothes

Lower secondary school age group (13-15):

clothes, make-up, accessories, a boyfriend who is a loser in college but somehow becomes a cool dude in your naive little eyes


Upper secondary school age group (16-17):

clothes, make-up, accessories, a rich boyfriend


College/ Undergraduate/Early Working Age Group (18-25)

clothes, make-up, accesories, a rich boyfriend who doesn't find you annoying and dumps you after he's tired of the sex.



Married Husband Age Group (25-death)

Your husband's balls and his bank account





That is all.

Just a Thought

It's been a long day and you're looking forward to going home. Traffic's a nightmare however, and you're staring at a 30 minutes wait to cover a 3km stretch of road. While you're grumbling and waiting it out however, a car just whooshes past you on the right side of your lane, meant for cars headed in the opposite direction. The Honda conveniently slips into the queue right at the junction and about 5 minutes of waiting later, he's out of sight.


Meanwhile, because you decide not to abandon your principle and be just another jerk on the road, you're left behind to crawl to your destination, while the Honda is probably already on the highway, whistling his way home.


Your conscience may be clear but god damn it, the traffic's a bitch.


Now pause for a few seconds. Think about what you've just read.

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Still think sucking up to your boss is pathetic?

Wish Light & Easy Plays Modern Hits..

"Hitz.fm Cares" Ads. About the most unfunny, annoying waste of sound waves to ever reach my ear. No, wait, I take that back. That accolade belongs to Avril's "hit" Girlfriend.


For the clueless, "Hitz.fm Cares" are a series of community message from the station urging us to brush our teeth, clean our toilet, recycle, wash our hands before we eat and keep our children safe from predators.


Nothing wrong there, until they try their darndest to be "funny". They have the most random and lame skits like a guy making very procovative sounds with a rubbing noise in the background to imply that he's masturbating. He ends it with a "ahhhhhh, finally, my toilet is clean". Really? Wow dude, that's comic gold right there! Pfft, lame.


The grammar leaves a lot to be desire as well:


"So remember to wash your hands before you eat, especially if you go to a petting zoo before you eat."


I am a campaigner of "anti fake accents" but there is no reason why the grammar should go out the window as well. It's okay in everyday speech, but I expected better from the media. And they wonder why the English standard in our country is deteriorating.


Oh and they tried to be sombre and moody after what happened to Nurin (Little girl who got abducted and killed). Totally understandable, the big question though, is who writes the script?


It's not exactly like this but it's close:


There was a time when our children can go out and play without fear. There was a time when the killing of an 8 year old is unheard of. Those days are loong gone. Remember to keep your kids under close supervision (....) (with a very sad tone)


I mean, come on, how lame can you get? I understand that you're doing a deed here by reminding the public but that's just a lazy piece of work.


"There was a time when the killing of an 8 year old is unheard of. "


Let's do one where we lament the loss of the good old days. Don't be naive. There was never "the good old days".


Pick up the newspaper. It's "heard of". Rapes and sexual assaults and murders of children have been happening around the world, even in Malaysia, since forever. There are sick people in this world. It's just that it's never been highlighted in the media on such a big scale before.


Also, things aren't as bad as they seem. Kids can still go to playgrounds etc. There isn't a criminal lurking in every single corner. You just have to apply some common sense, like not letting your 8 year old child out to a pasar malam on her own.


Maybe I was being a bit too harsh, but you get the point.


And the quality of the interviews that the radio stations do are embarassing at times. Take for example, this morning, they brought some rugby personality into the studio to talk about rugby and the state of it in Malaysia.


You would think they would have done their homework and took the opportunity to ask some serious or, at the very least, non-stupid questions. Not waste the other party's time and ask questions/make remarks like:


"How long is a game of rugby?"

"Rugby is 80 mins, Football is 90 mins, so rugby is more exciting la?"

"What noises do rugby players make?"


There is funny, and then there is stupid. By not taking your guest seriously when he/she clearly is, you're disrespecting him/her. Comic timing, guys, know when to make your wise-cracks. Then again, perhaps they are dumbing down the whole interview on purpose so as not to sound too serious. I am sure there are ways to do it, though, without making complete fools out of themselves in the process.


Still waiting for satellite radio....