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It was Friday the 13th, July 2007. I never believed in superstitions and I saw no reason to this time. She would pull through, just like she's done countless times in the past. Right?


I was in Penang at the time, working for one of Castrol's roadshows in one of the malls. On the way to Penang the day before, I stumbled into my cousins at one of the rest stops. They told me they were going to visit my grandmother at the Ipoh Hospital.


You should, I told them, we visited her last week and she was very frail. I told them I wasn't going this time because I had to work. They told me I should go. It was different this time. She was very sick.



It never really occured to me how serious "very sick" actually was until that night, my mother told me that the doctor said she is in very serious condition and I should make preparations to go to Ipoh if needs be. It's going to sound sickening and to be very frank, I have never forgiven myself for this but I was actually very pissed off upon hearing that.


I couldn't possibly go off then. I have already promised the organizers that I would be working there. It's RM220 a day! Heck, I already was in Penang. I have obligations to fulfil. And I was right, I did. And it had nothing whatsoever to do with promoting engine lubricants.



The next morning, while the team and I were at the mall, just an hour before the event started, my mother rang. I knew immediately what she was going to say. Her voice was shaking as she said, and I remember the tone of every single syllable even until today, " Chee Meng, ah ma isn't going to make it. You have to come now."



All the frustrations of having to walk off a job just washed away then. I knew what had to be done and I let the organizers know what was going on. My agent wasn't so forgiving. She was pissed that I had to go at the eleventh hour. The old "grandmother is sick" excuse. I would have laughed out loud if the pain wasn't so real.



My cousin's girlfriend who was in Penang drove to the mall to pick me up and we sped down the highway to Ipoh as fast as we could. Even then, the mood in the car was light. I was almost expectant that she would pull through. Just like she always does. Just like my grandfather did.



I never got to say goodbye. It was very cruel and it hurt so bad. My cousin rang his girlfriend and she passed the phone to me. "Chee Meng, ah ma's gone," as he burst into tears, he couldn't compose himself to string words together. "Come quickly, okay?" was the last phrase he could choke out before he hung up.



I was in shock, but only for a few seconds, and then I wept and I never stopped until I reached the hospital. The pain was so intense. I have never experienced a death of a closed one until then but on hindsight, that was not the real reason I cried.



We were so close when I was young. She used to come over from Perak all the time. She loved Bollywood movies and I watched them with her. It was the only time I would sit down and watch a Hindi movie. She would sit me on her lap and just tell me about everything, about my dad, about her, everything and anything. Laughters all round.


Raking a big piece of fish off its bones and landing it on my plate. "Ewww, ah ma, got your saliva," I would tell her. She has that laugh that is just so cheerful. And she had the tendency to speak to me in Teochew, a dialect I don't understand, and I would just nod knowingly as if I understood every word. Even only recently, I remember very distinctly her happy face as she teased ,"Where's your girlfriend? Never bring her to see me?"


We were so close then and when she passed away, it really hit me. How did I allow us to drift apart so much? Even when I was in Perak, as I grew up, family gradually came second behind studies, friends and games. I rarely spoke to her when I went back, besides the routine greetings and the "Have you eaten?"'s.


And that was why I cried. I was frustrated. I was so stupid. I spent a lot less time with my extended family as I grew up, distancing myself from them even. I hated going back. It was boring. I have never had a chat with her in years. Never had a chance to really ask her how was life. And now, I will never get a chance to redeem myself. She's gone. That was why I cried.


This post had been sitting in the drafts folder for months now. I could never bring myself to finish it. I would break down every time. I hated myself. I hate myself. Very much. For being angry at having to leave a lousy job to see her. As a direct consequence, I never got to say goodbye. I never got to see her one last time. Never got to hold her hand while she was still breathing. Never had the chance to say ,"Ah ma, please don't go. I love you." Because I was in Penang, hundreds of kilometers away. Promoting engine fucking lubricant.



Life is so fragile and it's very, very unforgiving. After my grandmother's passing, I started to look around more. I started to see the wrinkles on my parents face and my father's whitening moustache. I tried to spend more time with my grandfather. Everyone has to go some time, you always hear, but it didn't lessen the pain one bit. My resolution for 2008 is to devote more time to family. I am very determined not to make the same mistake again.



But nothing I can do from now on will ever bring her back. I heard my maternal grandmother speak of her a few weeks back about the time they went to China together. She had a lot of fun. She told my maternal grandmother she may not be able to go out as often anymore because of her health. That was her last overseas trip, my maternal grandmother told me, as she passed away soon after.


I dreamt of her numerous times after she passed away, and each time my subconscious reaction was to hug her and cry uncontrollably and tell her I am sorry for not spending enough time with her. I would wake up and feel destroyed. I see my family members going about their lives like they've moved on but truth be told, I never did. I think of her constantly.



Ah Ma, if you're reading this right now, wherever you are, I just want to say that I am sorry and I miss you so much. So so much and this is the truth, I would give anything just to see and hold you again. I love you.






CM: March 25, 2008.