Housekeeping

A couple of weeks back, I remembered that I actually had a blog, and so started reading it from the first published post. It was then that I remembered why keeping a blog is awesome; it's like a little time machine that transports me back to that particular snapshot of memories and emotions.

And so, in the interest of maintaining this for future me (and also because I'm on a boat offshore and it's boring as heck), I'm going to go through a bit of housekeeping and post updates on what's been happening since... hmm, let me see..

.. 2012...

.... Fuck me.. Best get started then...


1)   Post-graduate job hunting began with a series of applications and interviews with a few consulting firms. As evident from previous posts, I've always held a keen interest in business consulting. I guess the prestige and perceived intellectual challenge from the kind of work they do was appealing.

So I practiced hard at cracking cases, had mock interviews with friends, and managed to score a couple of interviews through referrals from friends and family. It was a very exciting time, to be honest. Alas, things didn't quite work out: I didn't get an offer after the final rounds with BCG, and I ended up with Accenture management consulting instead.

It was very crushing at the time, to be honest, and it took me a while to recover emotionally from that particular setback. That being said, the experience of preparing for the consulting interviews had a major influence on my thought process and work habits to to this day.

Mental arithmetic is an obvious one: I'm not super fantastic at it yet, but the improvement has been massive. I'm also always approaching problems in terms of structures and frameworks, and have developed a habit of framing a problem right before deep-diving, It's gotten to the point where it's almost second nature these days, and there has been some pretty positive feedback from work about it.

It's a good reminder of how what doesn't kill you makes you stronger /cliche


2)     I wasn't the happiest at Accenture, to be honest. The majority of the work they do is mostly implementation despite having a strategy arm. The major thing I had to grapple with though, was an ego issue; I got a lot of questions along the lines of "You have a PhD? What are you doing here?"

The thoughts that were triggered by those questions really bothered me a lot at the time. It was something that always niggled with me to the end of my time there. I didn't feel like my post-graduate research experience was particularly valued. I was on the same salary and job grade as the fresh graduates. You could argue that if my experience truly counted for something, I would shine and rise eventually, but I didn't feel the set of responsibility and type of work I had to do allowed me to do so.

It was money that was the decisive factor in me leaving in the end. I was already taking a pay hit taking up the role vs the other options I could have taken. The fact that I was paid the same as freshies really bothered me as well (yes, it's ego). That it typically takes 2 years to get promoted to a consultant role from analyst means that impatience eventually took over.

It wasn't an easy decision at the time. I had made some fantastic friends there who I still keep in touch with to this day. The work culture was excellent, and I was getting some recognition for the work I've been producing. Despite all of the negatives, I still look back at my time there with a lot of fondness simply because of the people there.


3)      Enter Shell. Like I said, it was really difficult to turn down a job which offered a 70% pay-hike, and a role with increased responsibilities and challenges. Plus, it was a chance to return to my engineering roots; I've a love-hate relationship with it.

So 1.5 years in, I should really have no real complaints: the money is fantastic (I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the first increment last year), the job is challenging, the people are fun and in terms of "stories to tell", well. did I say I'm on a boat offshore?

Having said that though, I haven't fully shaken the feeling that perhaps, I would be happier in the long run sticking with consulting. If you ask me where my true interests lie, that's what I would have said. It's a game of relatives; if I were to rate my levels of passion: I'd give my current role a 7/10, and consulting a 9/10.

If you follow Herzberg's motivation-hygiene theory, the motivation upside at the Accenture job was maybe higher than my current role in Shell. Unfortunately the hygiene factor (money) wasn't there, and so, I left in the end.

Maybe the perfect role would be one with the strategy houses who can offer both. I'm 28 at the end of this year though, so I'm not sure if that particular ship has sailed. Maybe I'll take a stab at it at the end of this year.

4)     Did a bit of traveling as well: Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand, Indonesia, Singapore, South Korea. Highlight of the past 2 years was definitely the US trip last year though, when I finally visited NYC, something I've wanted to do for the longest time. The food, the culture, the history, the sights, the people, the shopping: everything was awesome. I can't wait to get back there again.

5)   I lost my best buddy this year: William the Conqueror, the rottweiler who's been with the family for 13 years. I've had him since I was in Form 3; we go way back! He developed a tumour in his leg (fucking cancer again), but in fairness, he was ancient in dog years anyway.

I'm not ashamed to say I wailed like a little bitch when he passed. I still have a scar on my wrist from when he bit me back in 2006 (the bastard) and I guess it'll serve as a nice little reminder of him that I'll carry with me.

Rest well, old friend.

6)   We bought a place this year! The hunt began back in 2013, with this property at Damansara Damai at about RM400k. We then looked around a few other places, and decided on Zenith @ Kelana Jaya, this 1100sf unit valued at RM640k. We went as far as signing the pre-sale agreement and handing over the cheque before the seller pulled out at the last minute.

We then laid off the idea of getting a place for a while before a visit to The Hub's showroom early last year triggered the process again. We thought, why not have a look at Ameera's smaller units which where around RM800k at the time. Things somehow escalated from that to us purchasing a larger 1700sf unit for RM1.08m. RM400k to RM1.08m; what a slippery slope that turned out to be!

The agent showed us this larger unit that at the time, we had no intention of buying. It was really beautifully done up and required very minimal work but the asking price was a bit steep for us at RM1.15m. We decided to just low-ball a figure we thought the owner would never accept, but accept they did, and 5 days after viewing the place, we signed the pre-sale agreement.

7)    And finally, saving the best for last, I'm getting married this year! The proposal turned out to be easier than the trek up Mount Kinabalu. It seemed like a decent idea at the time until I realized there was a torturous hike down after the proposal. Hardly the stuff of romance! I couldn't be happier though; I knew from the moment we got together that she was the one I'd want to spend my life with.

All in all, looking at how things have played out over the last 2 years, I guess I don't really have anything substantial to complain about. Everything's worked out amazing in all aspects thus far and despite the slight bumps in between, I wouldn't have it any other way. Life's good. .


Til' next time!

Closure

It was nice being able to spend an hour speaking to her candidly and privately last Saturday about everything and anything. She seemed healthier in comparison to her state a few weeks ago; she was able to speak albeit softly and she looked pretty bright. That was nice; I never got a chance to speak with my cousin like that before she went.

It was a year on, and she's lived longer than anyone of us thought she would. Not going on the chemotherapy program was the right decision in hindsight. That obviously didn't stop the suffering though, and it was heartbreaking watching her wither away.

Anyway, back to Saturday: I tried to keep things on a lighter mood but inevitably, we veered back to the disease and how she was coping with it.

"You just have to be open-minded. I'm just really glad that everyone's doing well now and my daughter has changed for the better. Everyone is happy, your siblings are all doing well, you're about to buy a house.... With that in mind, I'll go in peace," my aunt said serenely.

I was trying to hold back the tears when she said that. We talked a little while longer but when she had to rest, I bade what would turn out to be my final farewell and told her I'd visit again when I was back from Miri.

Unexpectedly however, she passed away this afternoon. But I guess keeping in heart what she said, I suppose I'm not grieving that much.

Being able to have that closure to everything, being able to say your goodbyes to everyone and leaving relatively peacefully, that's something not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to do.

With that, rest in peace, Yi Ma, I love you.

My birthday’s this month!

“Yay.”


Well, in truth, I’m not usually that miserable about the idea of celebrating my birthday; in fact, it’s quite the polar opposite. It’s just that I have been thinking a lot about death more so than usual recently. No, I’m not thinking about dying; that’s a completely different thing altogether! Just the idea of death and my general feeling towards it.

The tone of this whole post may make it sound like I am in depression but it’s nothing like that all; I’m just trying to unload all my collected thoughts from the past couple of months somewhere.


You see, it hasn’t been a good year in terms of the loss of loved ones. I’ve talked about my cousin’s passing a few posts back and now barely a few months later and before the scars have fully healed, I found out that a close aunt has been diagnosed with almost-certainly terminal Stage IV lung cancer. It’s actually a metastasis from her previous battle with breast cancer and it came out of the blue. We thought it was just a bad cough so we brought her to the hospital for some scans and BOOM! the c-bomb dropped.


Of course, I can’t really be complaining about the grief I will be feeling when it’s my aunt who will actually have to go through the actual pain but it’s a really unpleasant situation to be in right now. Although a bit weakened, she still seems fine and is in fairly decent spirits but it’s hard because you know and she knows that the end is coming and there will come a time when we’ll have to watch her go through the suffering, watch her deteriorate before our very eyes and pass on.


My aunt has more or less accepted her fate and decided not to undergo chemotherapy. She saw what chemo has done to my cousin where two sets of chemotherapy sessions were done and yet there weren’t any positive effects. The result was my cousin being bed-ridden for the final few months of her life while having to suffer the draining side-effects of chemotherapy. So my aunt decided fuck it, I’m going to enjoy the last few months of my life.


Cancer, it really bears repeating, is a fucking bitch. It’s relentless; you beat it one time but chances are it will be back and when it does, it will do so with a vengeance. Seriously Cancer, I hope you get cancer and die.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The whole “dealing with the grief of losing a loved one” thing has really got me thinking about what my own death will be like, though. I accept that at some point, death may not seem like a bad thing especially when you’ve lived a good life and you’re ready to go.

However, I still think that no matter when I do eventually bite the dust, the following will still genuinely annoy me:

1) The possibility of dying without having a chance to say goodbye.

Like passing away in your sleep or dying on your deathbed before all of your loved ones can gather to say their final farewell. The one redeeming quality of cancer is that you get to prepare yourself and really convey all your thoughts and properly say your goodbyes before leaving.

Death from stroke or a heart attack on other hand, that’s just not cool.

 

2) Not being able to witness the technological and social progress of mankind.

This honestly pisses me off more than anything. I was thinking about how I sympathize with those who passed away around the 70’s because they never got to see how technology and the internet in particular revolutionized the world around us. Things like our smartphones that allow us to access information anywhere on a whim, the portable computers, the sending of the Hubble telescope to space that allows the capture of stunning images of galaxies light years away, the frankly amazing air, sea and land vehicles we have today, all the stunning architecture and many other amazing technological feats.

Or even significant historic events like the fall of the Berlin wall, the collapse of the Soviet Union, the handover of Hong Kong back to China, the election of the first black US president among many others. They would have no idea how far mankind as a whole has progressed (or fallen) from their time and that is frankly, a damn shame and I truly feel sorry for them.

Until I realize, of course, that the same would eventually happen to me too. I will never get to see man embark on the first intergalactic space travel, ride hover boards or even, this really pains me to say, come up with the elusive cure for cancer.

Honestly, the thought of not being able to see the first alien contact with man if it does happen depresses me a lot sometimes.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


There are many things about death that are out of my control like having to eventually see my parents and other loved ones die and the time of my own passing. What is definitely in my hands, however, is how I choose to live my life and amidst all the thinking about death recently, I have also been spending a lot of time thinking about life.

I won’t go into too much detail here about the inner deliberations but after reflecting on how things have turned out so far, I realize there really is a lot to be thankful for. Watching my cousin and now my aunt come to terms with their own mortality has reminded me to not take the life that I have now for granted and really think about what I should do with the limited time that I have here.

I just hope that I’ll be able to lead a life such that when I go, I can truly say that I am content and that I am leaving with no regrets. That takes some thinking about what is it that truly brings happiness and it’s a work in progress but it’s all good; no point forcing myself to be rigid about these things.

Life though, fucking amazing, eh?

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.”

-Gilda Radner-

OHHHHHHHHHHH….

An excerpt from “Macrowikinomics”, one of the books I am currently reading:

” Imagine that you’ve landed on a planet a lot like Earth a century ago and you’ve been given an assignment to design the dominant mode of transportation to move people around. Your design criteria are as follows: The system must maximize the consumption of fuels and the surface area of the planet – using as much farmland and other space as possible.

Your system should produce the most toxins and use more physical materials (steel, glass, rubber, leather, synthetics) than available alternatives. It must be the system that will result in the largest possible number of deaths and injuries (hint: have free movement vehicles and make every pilot an amateur). It should also be the least predictable system, giving passengers little idea how long a trip home might take, and it should slow down to a crawl, not speed up, the more people use it. Plus you get bonus points for pitting inhabitants against one another and, in extreme cases, causing travellers to fly into an uncontrollable rage.

It’s hard to imagine a better solution to these design criteria than an automobile powered by an internal combustion engine.”

… followed by some suggestions about how we can make it better yadda yadda. However, if I may, I’d like to pick up where my title left off….

“.. HHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Over to you

I finally submitted the thesis yesterday after some delays with the hardcover binding. You would think this would call for a celebration of epic proportions. After all, I have worked 3 years to build up to this day, right?


And you would be right.

“Fuck yeah!!!!”



Alas, no. There is still the small matter of a viva voce to deal with. It’s just a formality apparently but I am not taking my chances. That means doing some proper prep work with the slides and the questioning and most importantly, not prematurely celebrating!


So for now, I’m just allowing myself some cautious optimism and a quiet fist pump. Really, a combination of this

and this

Of course, this also means I have a lot of free time on my hands now. Which means being able to do some proper job research, go for morning jogs, clear the massive backlog of books I have to read, enjoy some quality TV shows and hang out with family and friends….



… or wake up past noon every day, laze around browsing the internet and piss away the days. Either one’s fine, I suppose.

The Dark Knight Rises

I was still staring at the screen about two minutes after the credits rolled, trying to soak in what I watched. Quite simply, it was one of the best films, superhero or not, I have ever watched and it ended the trilogy perfectly. It definitely warrants a second viewing just so I can pick up on the finer details.

It’s the kind of movie where you leave the cinema thinking it was good but when you dwell on it a bit more and replay the scenes in your head again, you realize you have just witnessed something special. That has to do with the pacing though; the pacing of the last hour was really intense and Hans Zimmer score really helped up the tension. There were some plot holes if you want to get nitpicky but that would be missing the forest for the trees.

(Spoiler alert)

Can’t say I was that surprised but the returning cast really brought their A game. I’m glad they gave Alfred a bigger role beyond the wise-cracker and the plot-narrator (eg “some men just wanna watch the world burn”, “you crossed the line first” etc). The scene where he leaves Bruce and the grave scene, in particular, was heart-wrenching. I thought it was great that Caine showed some restraint and not overact, the subtlety in his facial expressions made the emotion feel a lot more genuine.

Other than that, Bale was fantastic too although the “WHERE IS HE?!” line raised a chuckle from me, no thanks to the countless parody videos since The Dark Knight. Personally, I was pleasantly surprised by Hathaway’s performance as Catwoman/Selina Kyle. Some female heroine characters are often played badly because the fight scenes just don’t come across as convincing especially when they try too hard to look manly/gritty. I didn’t get that feel here; thought it was great. She was very smooth as well during the conversations, almost Clooney-esque.

The story though, bloody hell. It was great that they took their time with the build up to Batman returning and not rush it. There were some elements of The Dark Knight Returns in there which I loved. And the scene where Bane breaks the Batman was actually painful to watch. It was probably the first time in the trilogy that anybody could match the Batman physically and more. Bane was all brute force but also seemed to have a level of intelligence about him. If the Joker was an anarchist, Bane is an all-out schemer.

Which was why I think they kind of copped out with Bane at the end with the Talia turn. It cheapened his character and reduced him to a mere henchman. Also, this is the same guy who broke the Bat early on with ease and now, a few punches to his mask and he’s out? If the mask was so important, shouldn’t he be defending it better? Another thing that peeved me a little was how there was a character shift once Talia was revealed and he turned into henchmen mode. What happened to the “you have my permission to die” bit? Suddenly, he wants to kill the Batman before he got to watch his city burn?


It would be nice if we didn’t have yet another ticking time-bomb plot (I was thinking ,“really? another disarm the bomb with 1 second to go story?”) but hey, trust Nolan to make a ticking time-bomb plot seem fresh and not resort to cliche. I was ready to go ape-shit at what would have been a pretty annoying plot hole (ie. why didn’t they guard the reactor so nobody can reconnect it?) but it was addressed later on and actually used to pretty dramatic effect, thus proving that you should always trust Nolan.

All of the faith was more than sufficiently repaid with the ending. I actually kind of bought into Cracked's theory that Blake would be the next Batman and some early scenes helped reinforce that theory, so it wasn’t THAT big a surprise (it still was though, thank fuck I managed to avoid the spoilers) when it was revealed but I would argue that another less-worthy director would have botched the execution.


As it was, it was beautifully done with all of the characters finding redemption and peace in their own way and coming full circle. Fox the poor guy beating himself up over what he could have done better before realizing Wayne’s master plan. Gordon, well, I’m actually not sure if Gordon actually found peace. He still seemed pretty damn beat up about the whole thing.

The scene with Alfred at the end in Florence (?) nearly brought a tear to my eye (again, Caine’s performance was great) and really, some directors might have taken the condescending route and shown Blake putting on the mask and flying off into Gotham but nope, the ending was subtle and nicely pulled off, thus drawing a very satisfying conclusion to one of the best trilogies I have ever had the privilege of watching.


I shall thus end this with the first words I uttered after the lights came on in the theatre.

 

Fucking hell. What a film!

Every passing day,

 

.. every paragraph, every keystroke brings me closer towards the submission of my thesis. After that, it will be out of my hands. The identity of the external examiner has been decided. I managed to scope her out and I am undecided if her frankly impressive academic history and list of achievements should scare or encourage me.

She’s a professor of pharmacology as well, so I am pretty sure that one of my chapters that deals with the conjugation of insulin to nanotubes will receive heavy scrutiny. Since I’m not a pharmacist by trade, I reckon I’ll have to get my colleagues from the School of Pharmacy to give that chapter a once-over. Yikes!

Almost there, almost there. Two more weeks until submission. It’s all bloody exciting, if I’m being honest.